A True Story of Hot Romance, Rejection & Divine Love in Bali
❤️🔥 how the Inner Beloved changed my life❤️🔥
✧ AKA: Divine Beloved, Inner Union, Sacred Marriage, Shiva/Shakti, Yin&Yang…call it what you will✧
TLDR: Met hot guy with intimacy issues, got rejected & got smarter, awakened my Inner Beloved to recognize what TRUE LOVE feels like, so I could find the partnership I always desired (but didn't believe was possible)- plus an invite for you at the end
But the full story is much, much better😘 Be warned, this is not your regular Hallmark Valentine's script.
About 7 years ago in Bali, I met a very sexy man on Tinder - I will call him Hot&Cold Lover. He was intelligent, exceptionally handsome & passionate. We had instant chemistry. I was super attracted to him- flattered he ‘chose me’ out of the many sexy yoga goddesses in Ubud.
I overlooked several red flags, because I was hungry to explore with this gorgeous man. I take FULL responsibility.
Hot&Cold lover talked about himself endlessly. He rarely asked me questions. He was self-described as polyamorous and quickly I realized he needed to control the level of intimacy between us. He would be passionate & affectionate - then disappear - not texting for days or being curt & dismissive (familiar, anyone?)
He would get argumentative or pull away if I crossed an invisible boundary to his limits in intimacy, if I talked about my emotions and personal experience, or expressed an opinion he disagreed with.
My Hot&Cold lover had a classic Avoidant Attachment style
He was reactive to perceived disagreements or judgment from me - but had no problem dishing it out. This resulted in a thorny dynamic. It felt like we were walking on eggshells around each other.
But the s€x was goooood, I tiptoed into the fire 🔥
He criticized and disparaged “all the spiritual girls” in Ubud, yet seemed attracted to them(!?!) A perfect example of opposites attract, right? I teased that maybe his wearing a t-shirt with the Sri Yantra on the front (sacred geometry of the Goddess) was misleading advertising, no? He said it was a ‘cool graphic’ & had no idea what it represented 🤷🏼♀️
He didn’t realize when you invite the Goddess, she shows up (not always what you expect, but always what you need)
A few evenings after we first met, we were chilling at my place. It was a warm tropical night, the jungle noises of Bali kept beat to the sexy music playing, the candles flickered on our skin. We sipped cold gin & tonics, the glasses sweating in the sultry air.
I offered to dance for him. Since dance is one of my great joys, and also an intimate expression of my gifts of sensuality - I wanted to share this with him.
He was on the bed, watching.
I felt a bit self-conscious since I had never danced “for” a man in this way - so I turned my attention into the sensations inside my body. To center myself, I closed my eyes as I started to move - this is how I always connected to my body in dance - eyes closed. There was a part of me that felt very exposed, afraid to be “too much” or not sexy enough- that he might not like it.
But slowly, my body dropped into my movement and I offered this dance to him, just as it was.
When the music stopped, I went to give him a kiss - but he was cold & angry. His arms were crossed on his chest and he scowled. He said he was very uncomfortable, that I had “ignored him” and how I danced with my attention turned inward instead of on him made him feel lonely - he said he was going to leave now and not stay the night.
I took a sharp breath, shock in my system. How could something I intended as a beautiful gift, instead be received as an insult?
I tried to calm my voice as I said “I can see you are upset, this wasn’t my intention, and I am sorry that’s how you feel.” He again doubled down on how strange my dance was, since my eyes were closed.
I smiled and opened the door “If you are uncomfortable, maybe it IS best that you go.”
An awareness within me recognized his inability to see beyond my vulnerability to the gift I had just offered. I realized his insecurity was so great he couldn’t even see ME.
In that moment, instead of trying to explain, reconnect and repair the situation, I stepped aside to let him leave.
He walked out in a huff, saying “I guess that's it, then.”
Afterwards, I felt sad but also strangely activated by what just happened.
On one hand, I couldn’t fully understand his reaction. I had stretched myself, offering an intimate glimpse into my world - something sacred and special to me. Couldn’t he see that? But I also saw how my insecurity reflected back to me. He felt my self-conscious energy, took it personally, and mirrored it back. That was important for me to recognize. I breathed in this Truth.
So how could I show up as worthy & deserving of Love? How could I be more confident to give & receive without holding my essence back? I decided to step into the powerful opportunity of this moment- to shift the experience for myself.
At this point in my healing journey, I had been working with the energy of the Inner Beloved in my Tantrik meditation & ecstatic dance training, but never in the face of ‘real life’ rejection. So this was a perfect opportunity to go deeper into this relationship.
I chose a new track of music. I centered myself. I imagined my Inner Lover/ Beloved sitting there watching me. Instead of imagining a physical person - I felt into the light-filled energy body of this being - full of unconditional love. In this moment, it felt right to tune into the Divine Masculine frequency (mostly I connect with a neutral energy or even a Goddess energy- but to heal this specific rupture I needed polarity of the Masculine)
I imagined my Inner Beloved watching me as I danced, with full appreciation & approval. I felt His desire for me as a golden warm energy - holding me. I shared my heart and body in celebration and devotion. I opened my eyes to receive the Beloved’s gaze - without backing away. Giving myself fully.
As I danced toward the light-being of my Divine Beloved, I oriented into this sensation - allowing it to grow and concentrate in my body.
THIS is how I want to feel with a partner. Safe. Appreciated. Desired. Accepted. Deeply Received. LOVED.
I danced to FEEL this connection deeply. As I moved, I rewired my body & nervous system toward being SAFE to share my most intimate & vulnerable self while staying connected to the Sacred Other - my Beloved.
As I danced, I released the sting of shame and rejection I felt when my lover walked out. I soothed and melted the contraction of being misunderstood, and of causing him discomfort also - the hot&cold uncertainty alchemized in the space between me and The Beloved.
This dance of devotion & love anchored my nervous system into the felt sense of inner confidence and pleasure to be seen and received fully. I imprinted myself with a powerful NEW experience of being celebrated for my dance offering. I called in an embodied experience of LOVE with my Beloved.
While this wasn’t the final end of my story with Hot&Cold lover, from that moment on I showed up more in my power and less attached to proving my worth with him. I leaned into my relationship with the Beloved more & more.
I learned SO much with Hot&Cold lover - including recognizing 100% what I DIDN’T want, and finally healing my worthiness to receive the love I deserved.
One month after finally cutting ties with my Hot&Cold lover (on Valentine's Day 2017) I met my amazing partner & husband. We have been together for almost 6 years now💗
I KNOW that my journey with my Inner Beloved 100% guided me to create the healthy, loving, safe relationship I enjoy today. I learned to RECOGNIZE and ACTIVATE this energy signature with potential partners as I cultivated it within.
If my story of the Inner Beloved resonates, and you are wondering how to nourish your own relationship with unconditional love - join me for
The Inner Beloved Experience❤️🔥
a special online zoom workshop with me on
Sunday, February 12th
8am PST / 9am MST / 11am EST / 5pm CET
This is a 90 minute online workshop to awaken your heart into Sacred Union within✨
I will guide heart-centered breathwork, embodiment & inquiry practices to meet your Divine Beloved, with group sharing at the end.
this is for you if….
you are ready to BE in-love with life
you’ve gone through a separation or break-up & are scared to love again
you’ve been single for awhile & afraid you are destined to be alone
you’re frustrated in your current relationship or how you show up in intimate connection
you struggle with self-esteem or worthiness in love
AND if you’re happily single OR in a good relationship & want to deepen your satisfaction & unconditional self-love this is also for you! Because it can always get richer, deeper & more delicious, right?
the live class is $10 - that includes a replay recording & deepening homeplay practices to explore after the call that you will want to return to again & again!
If you know anyone who would enjoy this offering, will you please share this post? 💕
If you are frustrated or stuck in old relationship patterns- or you are ready to take your love & intimacy to a deeper level, reach out to me! I love supporting couples to transform intimacy & enjoy the connection you deserve. You can book a complimentary 1 hour Couples Discovery Call with me here, lets see if we would be a good fit to work together!
