Ask Harmony
How Do I Make a Great Relationship?
Dear Harmony, What do you do on a consistent basis with your partner to build intimacy and communication? I'm suffering so much in my relationship right now. I would love to hear your best go-to tips, tools and practices. Thank you!” ~Suffering in Love
I am so sorry you are suffering! I understand how painful this can be, I have been there, and it is so frustrating when all we want is to share love and be happy together.
But how does one “do” a great relationship? What I have learned is it’s pretty simple - I think the 6 key ingredients are Communication, Appreciation, Connection, Respect, Trust, and Freedom.
Simple, but not necessarily EASY.
Since I don’t know you or your relationship, I will assume you love each other very much and are committed to making your relationship thrive. In my experience, it takes two willing partners to make the most loving and satisfying relationships!
It is possible to change the dynamic of a relationship with only ONE partner doing the work, so I always invite my clients to start with their own inner work. It is always the best choice to offer your highest, most loving self as the partner you desire to be!
Plus, you are only in charge of yourself, and the only one who can make those internal changes that impact everything around you- is YOU.
However if a relationship is abusive, or one partner does NOT want to be in the relationship and refuses to put in time and effort and is unwilling to make it work…then most of what I offer may not help.
But for typical relationships going through a bit of hardship, we DO have a lot of power in how our relationships flows.
The advice I provide is from tools and practices in my 7 Gateways of Love, Sex and Relationship. ❤️
These are the core concepts that empower my clients and transform their intimate life.
Plus, this is what works really well for me and my partner in our connection!
To repair and reclaim intimacy, I invite my partner (and clients) to do the Loves, Fears and Desires practice regularly (l teach this tool to clients- but you can get access in my free FB group Sensual Soul Community). This foundational practice helps you set a clear container to explore and express both of your needs and desires, ask for what you want, while also giving voice to your fears in a safe way.
This is a great way to clear the air and get reconnected and back into your hearts.
After that, I mostly focus on constantly verbalizing, demonstrating, and affirming my appreciation for my partner all day, everyday.
I make sure to catch him doing things “right” all the time. This means noticing and verbalizing what he provides for me and sharing how that impacts my happiness and satisfaction.
He does the same for me. We are in a flow with this. ❤️
I think this points to having a partner who is “willing” to prioritize a healthy relationship and do the work to keep it vibrant - and how important that is!
So- making sure to get lots of daily oxytocin bonding with cuddles, words of affirmation, acts of service, time together, thoughtful things provided ( learn “how to do” oxytocin bonding & get my Free 31 Days to Deeper Love Guide here )
Making sure we are feeling “on the same team” (speaking about and agreeing on this) - means both of us are in the mindset that we are each other’s “safe place” and have each other’s back.
This is a core value and priority in our relationship. We cultivate the “couple bubble” of love, respect, safety, connection and tenderness because life is hard enough!
If we have a disagreement, facing it quickly and really being respectful of the other’s POV. Honoring that it makes sense he thinks that way, even if I don’t agree or see things differently.
If there is an issue, making repairs and apologizing right away, and taking ownership of my own part- he does the same.
If I have an issue or problem, always assuming he was doing his best, or assuming that I just need more information to understand him = always assuming the best intentions from my partner or that he has a good reason to do what he did.
If I don’t know or can’t understand his actions, I ask him for clarity and never assume I know.
I choose to bring open curiosity instead of projecting and assuming his WHY. I trust his answers and accept that what he tells me is his truth. This is respect.
Making sure that if I have a dissatisfaction or insecurity in the relationship that I look to myself first and see how I may be projecting my own fears or expecting to get this need met outside myself (or by him).
Not that there is anything wrong with having needs - but I want to become aware of my human motivations and notice where I am capable of providing for myself, or inquiring into my fears or insecurities before laying them on him.
And then getting vulnerable and speaking from an “I” place and taking responsibility for my feelings/reactions (it is never his issue to solve) but showing my tender heart and asking for his support if I desire it- and being clear about what I need (a hug, him to listen, space to be alone, solutions or advice etc)
Making sure that we have other places to get all our needs met and explore different aspects of our personality (especially the areas that are not our partner’s Main interest or something that they really enjoy - allowing that our partner can’t be ALL THINGS to us - and not expecting them to be)
Allowing space for different friendships, hobbies, experiences, interests, points of view, enjoying time apart, and time alone…and then coming together and sharing what we experienced❤️
This supports the core value of FREEDOM that we both share, and also allows more freshness, discovery and erotic energy between us, as we cultivate the spaciousness that allows our passion to flourish.
There are some things that only our partner may provide (or we really would like it), and it is worthwhile to get skillful and master this next one - learning to ask for what I want and need when it arises (not waiting) but coming ALWAYS from a place of invitation and initiation instead of demand.
I see so many couples getting this one backward and creating the OPPOSITE effect they want. How many fights in the history of love come from demanding or criticizing instead of asking for our needs in a way that inspires our partner to actually show up for us?
This means I am excited to share with my partner when I have a desire without expecting/resenting/complaining that he didn’t read my mind, or that I have to ask first, or reminding him how he keeps messing this up.
It helps to clearly say what this desire would provide for me and how that would make me feel to have it. This helps him understand my WHY and how important this is to me. This inspires him
Yet, also finding that fine balance of expressing my desire, inviting him in, and creating spaciousness in my request - not pressuring him to feel the same way, or EXPECTING him to do it. It is ALWAYS an invitation!
A loving partner is usually so happy to provide what makes YOU happy! ❤️
I honor my power in the relationship to invite my man more deeply into our love and connection and he respects me and trusts my invitation and steps toward me with a “Yes!” (almost always:)
I believe integrating all these things imperfectly, daily, humanly…and returning to them over and over is what contributes to our incredible, loving partnership.
(P.S I asked him before I posted this - he agreed to what I mention here, and emphasized that Respect & Freedom are HUGE for most men!)
Sending love to you both❤️❤️❤️
If you desire to go deeper, and wonder what it would be like to have all this loving wisdom and goodness on tap…I invite you to book a free Discovery Call with me. We can explore what is going on in your life and how I could support you creating the love and satisfaction you are ready for!
