ASK HARMONY

"How do you know when to stay, and when to leave a romantic relationship?"

"The question is how do you know when to stay and when to leave a romantic partnership? I am in the midst of a separation with my partner of 3 1/2 years and looking for support in the process. We both have grown immensely together and it is far from perfect, but we see a future together. I have not upheld my end of the bargain to provide a financial foundation for things to move forward and trust has been eroded over the years. It’s hard to speak into this more as we are in the process of separating but still cohabitating so emotions are swinging throughout the day for both of us."
-Man in the Midst
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Dear Midst, reading your words I have a seasick feeling in my stomach. That rolling, uncertain boil of emotion and fear and love and pain that comes when a significant love relationship is on the rocks. 

I am so sorry you both are going through this right now. The sensation I get from your letter is like I am swinging from one side of the love-boat to the other as you describe that you are in the midst of a separation, and yet are still cohabitating. You say you have grown so much together, and yet the relationship far from perfect. Trust has been eroded, yet you see a future together. 

I am taking a deep breath and feeling into my center as I answer your question. It is such an important question, and so many of us have been in this exact position. How do you KNOW when to stay and when to leave a romantic relationship?

The short answer is nobody but you can know. So instead of giving you my best guess, I will ask you some questions and offer some thoughts. And in this way I hope you will find the best possible support- based in your own internal Truth and Knowing. Please only take on whatever I say that resonates with you, and discard the rest. 

1-Does this partner inspire you to be the highest version of yourself? Do you feel you are a better person when you are with her? You say you have both grown so much. So I assume there has been positive transformation, and your relationship is not abusive. You say you have not held up your end of the bargain in providing a financial foundation. I am curious if this is something you deeply want to provide and feel capable of providing in a relationship? Was this an agreement you made together or an expectation that was not fully discussed? Do you feel she has supported and encouraged you to be successful in this endeavor? Do you feel she has contributed more than her fair share financially and/or with emotional labor? Fairness, respect, and appreciation are certainly very important for the long term health of any relationship. 

2-What is the most loving choice in this situation? Is the most loving choice to part ways and move on separate paths, or is the most loving choice to recognize that this relationship is important and worth both of you doing the deeper work to heal and come back together more powerfully than before? 

3-Do you want the same things in life even if you may not be moving at the same pace or do things the same way? This includes being consummate on your relationship structure, a congruent desire around children, as well as similar lifestyle-interests-values. If one of you wants children and the other does not, this is a classic dealbreaker. If one of you is deeply monogamous and the other is deeply polyamorous, neither one of you will be happy. If one of you wants to live a fast-paced city life and the other prefers living in the country simply…you are probably better parting ways. It is true that opposites attract in some ways, but not in these!

4- Finally…What does the deep feeling in your gut tell you? I would suggest taking some time to go out in nature, or at least find a quiet place where you are alone. Take some deep belly breaths. Clear your mind of all the stories, and “should's” and “why didn’t” and “if only’s” and come into your center. Drop down and feel the anchoring support of the earth beneath you. Feel how your body is held by the earth’s gravity. Feel the clarity of the sky- how open and free it is stretching above you into space. And feel yourself in the middle between earth and sky. Breath into your belly some more. And then ask yourself for clarity using the following questions. Are you serving each others’s Highest Good and growing into the people you both desire to be? Is staying with her loving yourself? Does she ultimately want the same things as you? Listen deeply. The answers may come as sensations (like hot or cold, expansion or contraction, tingles or pulses) or it may be words, or images. Trust whatever arises. Your mind creates stories and drama, but your body knows. 

One last thing I would offer is that whatever the issues and challenges in this relationship may be, they will not disappear with the end of this partnership. You will deal with them in this one (if you stay) or the next. Or the next one after that. There is no free lunch. Just look at the divorce rates for second and third time marriages: 50% percent of first marriages fail, 67% of second, and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. We carry our unfinished relationship wounds & challenges forward. These issues can be dealt with here and now in your current partnership if she is an appropriate partner for you with enough mutual potential and desire, or you both will deal with it later in your next partnership that may be more ideally suited. But it will arise. The choice is yours. 

If financial issues have eroded trust, I guarantee this will be an issue in the next relationship until you address it with courage and honesty and get to the root of this dynamic (hint: it usually involves subconscious beliefs and fears around money and self-worth). 

If you love each other deeply, and you can answer the key questions above as a “yes", I would invite you to consider that she may be your perfect partner. You may need to find a way to be on the same team, come up with clear agreements, and heal the trust issues by doing work around financial blocks and fears. This is all entirely possible and an invitation to grow and evolve together! If you would like a referral for couples coaching, I have several amazing colleagues that I would recommend. This can be transformative and so supportive of healing your love!

But if you are not supporting each other to grow and evolve, and staying together is not the most loving choice, and your goals and values are not matched…it may well be time to move on. Just because it is ending, does not mean this relationship is not a success! If you have learned and grown, and gained more clarity about what you both need in intimate relationship and the key issues that are keeping you from having the relationship you desire- then I suggest you can feel gratitude for this relationship no matter the outcome. 

I hope this brings some structure and light to your decision process together. 

sending you so much love and clarity during this time, 

Harmony