~How I Overcome Social Anxiety & My Fear of Not Belonging~

Using The 7 Gateways into Healthy Love, Sexuality & Relationships

Last night I was at a lovely outdoor party with a new community of people I am just getting to know. Many are healers and coaches, massage therapists and soulful thinkers. Just my kind of people!

As we stood on the spacious rooftop terrace in the last glow of sunset, the crescent moon shone in the sky, stars sparkled between the palm trees, citronella candles flickered, and the DJ from Amsterdam started spinning some dreamy worldbeat…everything was gorgeous and perfect.

I stood off to the side with my partner and noticed people talking in small intimate groups. I noticed I wasn’t in any of those groups.

A prickle of apprehension started to build in my body. The thoughts I had been holding back all evening started to arise more strongly…

“You haven’t connected with anyone very deeply, maybe you just aren’t that interesting and nobody wants to know you.”

”What is wrong with you? Why can’t you go talk to people?”

“They already have friends, you don’t belong here.”

“You must seem odd and strange and stand-offish. Why would anyone want to talk to you when you feel this way?”

Ugh. That old demon…social anxiety was visiting me again.

Suddenly the way I was standing was wrong, my arms and legs seemed awkward…my stomach clenched and I felt my energy retreat into my body…I felt my light dim.

The thoughts got stronger, thicker and darker.

Was I standing too far away from everyone so it seemed I wasn’t interested in talking?

Did my partner and I seem like one of those “joined at the hip” couples not confident or interesting enough to talk to other people?

If I went up to someone and introduced myself, wouldn’t that seem weird, intrusive and like I was trying too hard??

In those moments, I was CERTAIN that I simply didn’t belong here, nobody cared to talk to me, and maybe we should go home now.

Furthermore, this meant I would never make friends here in my new home of Mallorca, and I was doomed to only having long-distance friends around the world.

My brain spun these thoughts as noticed my body was tense and my breathing had constricted.

Tuning into my body sensations,  I noticed a different thought “Is this true?”

I took a breath and softened my body.

Then the Wise part of me stepped in.

This inner Wisdom encouraged me to be gentle with the Anxious part of me and asked the judgmental voice to step aside.

I held the awkward Harmony in my mind and body for a few breaths, accepting and allowing her to feel just as she was. I didn’t try to convince this part of myself to be different or to change. I just witnessed how the play of anxiety was spinning.

And then I turned to my partner and shared how I was feeling. Speaking and giving voice to this out loud, I felt my whole body relax a bit more.

Now I had some distance from the strong sensation of disquiet. I had given it space to be seen and accepted and expressed.

My breath deepened. My mind became still. I was back in my body and out of the false “story” of not belonging.

I now felt ready to take a small step toward what I desired that evening, which was more connection with this new group.

I noticed the hostess standing just a few steps away listening to the DJ, and I walked up to her and thanked her for inviting me.

She smiled and said she was so happy I had come! We dropped into a bit of conversation…

Simple as that, and the anxiety fully dissolved.

This all happened in the space of 5 minutes start to finish.

I smile as I write this. I feel tenderness and compassion for the young part of me that can be vulnerable and awkward and feel like she doesn’t belong. That she can still be SO CONVINCED that people won’t like me, accept me, or want to know me.

Anyone who has experienced social anxiety or the feeling of not belonging will know it feels lonely and painful, and can seriously impact our levels of happiness and satisfaction in life.

The challenge is REAL. A primal need of our ancient brain is to feel we BELONG in order to survive, and we actually experience a visceral yet unconscious fear of Death when we are not accepted into the group. In our evolution up to the present, not belonging to a community that provides resources and protection can actually mean death.

Evolution and Death aside, social anxiety can simply feel heavy and shameful to talk about.

For me, this pattern is from growing up as only child out in the country far from other kids my age, or very many people at all. I didn’t learn how to “do” childhood games, and felt more comfortable with a few familiar adults.

I had a hard time fitting in socially at school, and It created a deep imprint in my body/mind that I am an “outsider”, that I don’t belong, and that I am better off alone, or with my few “safe” people.

As a quasi-hermit and introvert, I can still struggle with introductions and small talk, and feel more comfortable talking about REAL things…so once I have a true connection with someone, these feelings usually melt away.

While this pattern remains from my childhood, I am grateful that I finally have tools that support me to show up socially more confident and powerful, and find the the belonging I desire.

I know how to take better care of myself when my anxiety gets triggered and get back to center.

I also release all expectation that someday I will be “perfect” or that I need to “fix” myself.

Instead, I am committed to returning to my True Self, my Wisdom, Power and Truth…over and over again - for the rest of my life - no matter what momentary fear or anxiety arises.

Feel the fear/anxiety, and DO IT ANYWAY! This is the JOY and paradox of being human!

There is never “something wrong” to fix.  But almost all of us have layers of normal fears, trauma, and programming that can really obscure our natural wholeness and beauty.

In my work with clients, we explore the 7 Gateways into vibrant and healthy Love, Sexuality & Relationships.

In my example with social anxiety, I stepped through 5 of those Gateways to come back into balance.

1. Clarity & Desire - Finding the clarity that “I am feeling Anxious, and fear I don’t belong”  allowed me to ask “Is this true?” and tap into “I Desire Connection and to belong”

2. Connect to the Body/Mind - I noticed how the anxious thoughts were impacting my body, emotions and sensations- I tuned into my breath and consciously relaxed my body.

3. Find an Inner Resource - accessing the first two Gateways allowed my natural Wisdom to arise and support me and guide me back to safety and belonging inside myself.

4. Work with Fear/Shadow - Instead of criticizing my anxiety, or believing and acting on my negative thoughts - instead I allowed myself to witness this old pattern without judgement, to hold the experience with kindness, and to share this shadow with my partner so he could affirm me and help witness it too.

5. Communication & Relationship - I came into relationship with my anxiety, I communicated with my partner about how I was feeling, and from that place I was able to approach and come into connection with my new friend to get my desired result which was connection and a feeling of belonging. 

The bad news is we will continue to be human, and probably always have fears and insecurities, doubts and negative thoughts.

The good news is this is not a life sentence of pain, alienation, unhappiness and suffering.

Do certain situations trigger recurring feelings of insecurity? Are there areas in your life where you feel damaged, ashamed, of controlled by your fears and anxiety? Do you get into spinning loops of negative thoughts and don’t know how to get out? Do you find you are making life choices from a place of limitation instead a place of possibility?

If the answer is yes - are you ready to discover your own Gateways back to your essential truth, confidence and joy?

If you are ready to step beyond your fears and be guided through the 7 Gateways of Self-Love, Sexual Wholeness, and Empowered Relationships…then I invite you to book a Free 1 hour Discovery Call with me - together we can explore your inner Clarity and Desire around what you want in life, and how my tools can support you- and if we would be a good team on this adventure!